The first time I experienced depression was when my parents divorced. I was 8 years old. It was life shattering. I would pray that God would take me from the earth before I turned 14 because that was the age that the judge said I could choose which parent I wanted to live with.

 

Then, when I was in my freshman year of high school, I had one friend that I was really close to. We did everything together. But out of no where, she found a new best friend and I did not see or hear from her until later in my sophomore year. Back than, I didn't really understand why I was so sad and why I cried all the time. I shut everyone out and did not even talk to my family much. They knew there was something wrong but I had no way to describe what was going on inside of me so I would always say there was nothing wrong and then go cry in my room in the dark. I did not even know that I was grieving the loss of my best friend. This was the first time that dark thoughts of taking my own life and images of killing myself would float around in my head. This lasted well into my junior year of high school. It had been at least two years that I lived in the deep dark depression of my mind. I am amazed that I did not kill myself or attempt to that whole time. It was almost like I did not know what life was outside of depression. It had become a part of me like a dark veil that I wore.

 

Right before my senior year in high school, I experienced the joy of God for the first time. I loved it. I loved the feeling. Everything was so much brighter. Happier. But I did not fully understand the joy and how to live in it. I knew what I looked like and how I felt when I was joyful, so from that point on, I could fake it for everyone else if I wasn't feeling it. Fake it, I did for the next several years.

 

However, inside, it was very easy for me to slip into depression. It happened constantly and I wouldn't even notice it. Anything could throw me into it: problems at home, boys not liking me, people treating me like I was invisible.

 

After I graduated from college, I fell in love with love and wanting to be loved but I thought I was in love with the boy that I had tied every part of my future to. He played the game with me for about a year and then told me it wouldn't work out. I was destroyed after that. If I had thought the first depression pit from high school was deep and dark, this one was 100 times worse. I lost all desire to go on with life. I seen no point in taking my own life but every night I prayed that God would let me sleep and never wake up. I quit my job, moved home with my mom, slept until 1 pmor later everyday. I quit taking care of myself. There was no point. I was in such dark, deep pain, there was no way out. There is no reason I should have survived that.

 

That was the lowest of the lows. It was over for me. The end.

 

Or so I thought. But Something crazy happened.

 

I went through a good four months of that. But never once did I turn away from God. Never once did I give up on him. I knew that I had failed him but I believed that he somehow had the power to make me all better. To make me new. I spent my waking hours crying out to God to rescue me from the life I created. Those months felt like decades but eventually the tormenting became less and less and soon the pain was gone. I didn't believe that I could actually feel normal again. But once God got me to the other side, I felt much better than I ever had. God had brought some very key people into my life during the hardest parts and they were a constant reminder that I needed my focus to shift off from my pain and onto God.

 

This isn't some fairy tale. This is what happens when God is able to invade your situation. So many people stay stuck in the pain and depression because they do not realize that God can heal them. God is the ultimate answer. I can't tell you how he does it. All I know is you have to let him. You have to be willing to let go of that pain and that depression and let him do what he needs to. There is no reason I should be joyful now after all of that that I went through.

 

I'm not going to tell you that I turned to medication, drugs or alcohol. I never did and never even considered that. I don't believe any of that is ever the answer. I believe that we will all go through hard times. Those times are meant to teach us and help us grow stronger. But you have to feel and experience the whole thing. If you lean on something to cover up the pain, even just temporarily, you are cheating yourself of complete healing and reaching the strength that you could reach once you get out on the other side of the situation.

 

So many people want to discount God but if you actually gave him a chance instead of trying to mask it or take care of it on your own, you would realize just how magnificent he is. You would not need any of the counterfeit junk to make you "feel" better.

 

After God cleared all of that mess up that I called my life, he brought me real joy. I did not have to pretend anymore. He defeated depression for me so I no longer have to experience that. There are times when I get sad about things but depression and the desire to take my life will never return. God is my joy. He always will be. He rescued me in all of my very dark times. When I would have left myself for dead, he picked me up and nursed me back to complete health. Not only that but he transformed my mind so that I would no longer be beat up by depression.

 

Joy is possible, even for the depressed of depressed people. There is no one out there that is more depressed than I was. If I can be full of joy after all the junk I went through, you can too beautiful. Don't even think about giving up. I will fight for you. I love you and God loves you so dearly. Allow him to replace your tears of mourning with tears of joy.

 

Let's spend the rest of this month exploring the deep waters of joy together, beautiful.